Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
