so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
