Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
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