I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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