i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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