god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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