and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
