I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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