my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
