The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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