Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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