I wish my penis had an off switch
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
