why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
