hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
