boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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