ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Randomize
