You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
