So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
