It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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