My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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