my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
