In the future we'll all be gay
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i dont even know how to be here
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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