So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
