I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I didn't notice because vodka
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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