So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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