cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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