Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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