I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
