my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
