Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
