if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
