You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
