remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
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