my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
