is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
