Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
