Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
