There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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