I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
