saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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