Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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