I cockslap morals
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Ketchup is God's man juice
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
