If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
