If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
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