You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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