someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
