sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
