his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Randomize
