Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
