Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize