The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
