I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
