dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
