my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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